


Night Vale Heart-to-Heart

by mercuria



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Gen, Humor, Podfic, Podfic Length: 0-10 Minutes, Relationship Advice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-01
Updated: 2013-09-01
Packaged: 2017-12-25 06:53:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/950023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mercuria/pseuds/mercuria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[podfic] What if Night Vale community radio had a dating advice program? Featuring listener questions, sex tips, and more, as only Night Vale can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Night Vale Heart-to-Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Night Vale Heart-to-Heart is a work of podfic, which is to say, it was written to be heard, and you can do that right here on SoundCloud:
> 
>  **Stream -- >** [Night Vale Heart-to-Heart (Ep 1)](https://soundcloud.com/ladysingsthe/night-vale-heart-to-heart-e-1)
> 
>  **Download (or stream) -- >** [Night Vale Heart-to-Heart (Ep 1)](https://app.box.com/s/rneqgrqkdo41pma2wxrb)
> 
>  
> 
> If you have listener questions you'd like me to answer in Night Valian style, feel free to comment and I'll do my best to work them in. ^.^ Also, the full text is available below!

I have a direct line to the beating heart of Night Vale—and I can sever that line at any time, while blood spurts aggressively from its punctured ventricle. This is Night Vale Heart-to-Heart! I’m your host, bringing you lonely listeners out there a sensitive ear, a metaphorical shoulder to cry on, and a voice ranging from accessibly enthusiastic to generically sensual. 

Listeners, tonight I’m just going to jump right in. As you should do at the start of any loving, committed relationship, I’m just going to dive in head first with little conception of where this is going or what I can expect out of any aspect of this. 

 

As we all know, the City Council has officially banned writing implements, but that hasn’t stopped intrepid, lovelorn listeners from sending their letters in to me. Some of them are written in ketchup and related condiments, some in blood, and some have been telepathically whispered to me as I prepared for this broadcast. Here’s tonight’s first question:

“My wife was taken to the abandoned mineshaft outside of town when I failed to vote correctly in the last Night Vale municipal election. Thanks to the free wifi in the mineshaft, we’ve been able to keep our relationship going over Skype. However, it still feels like there’s something missing. How can we reignite the spark that we had before my wife was forcibly removed from our home and confined to an underground cell? Signed, Shafted”

Well, Shafted, long-distance relationships are always hard, whether you’ve incorrectly exercised democratic free will, been quarantined for displaying symptoms of an unknown pandemic, or your loved one has simply, inexplicably disappeared, as quietly and incongruously as they first showed up in your home and insisted that they were your spouse, and had always been your spouse. Just remember that the physical aspect of your relationship would have come to an end one day regardless, thanks to the ravages of time—and also remember that time is an illusion. Or so we might believe, were it not for the painful ravages it leaves behind, both mentally and physically.

Hope that helps! Let’s go to our next letter:

“I’m trying to come up with fun date ideas to impress my new boyfriend. Everybody always goes to the Desert Flower Arcade Bowling Alley and Fun Complex and then to Big Rico’s for pizza, and I want to do something different. What date nights can I suggest here in Night Vale that’ll be different and exciting? Love, Dating in the Desert”

Desert, I tell listeners like you all the time that there are so many fun, romantic things to do in Night Vale. If you’re looking for an upscale experience, you’ve got to try Gino’s Italian Dining Experience & Grill & Bar. Its invisible, tasteless, and intangible carrot cake can’t be beat—even if you’re counting your calories, you won’t want to miss it! Which is easy to do if you aren’t keeping track of your fork. But of course, Night Vale has fun dating opportunities at any price range; if you and your sweetie are a little more cash-strapped, consider a moonlight stroll among the sand wastes. You may imagine that the winds off the dunes are pronouncing your name, urging you further and further from your safe homes or any source of water; or you may be approached by a strange, bent old man who poses a series of gruesome riddles with no answers—it’s all part of our local, desert charm. I definitely think that what Night Vale lacks in malls, live theatre, museums, cultural events, music, or fancy restaurants, we more than make up for in strange lights passing overhead, black helicopters, and guttural moans. And of course, our bloodstones are just state of the art.

Good luck on your exciting date!

 

And now, a few steamy tips to improve your sex life, courtesy of our sponsor:

\- Drive him wild in bed through the use of a moderate hallucinogen.

\- Get him in the mood before he’s even in the door—send him a text on his way home from work that reads only, “I have a surprise waiting for you, underneath the floorboards.”

\- Put your left foot in, put your left foot out, put your left foot in, and then gently abrade his perineum with your sharpest toenail.

These tips brought to you by Cosmo Magazine.

 

Well, that’s all we have time for on our broadcast this evening. If YOU have questions about love, romance, dating, or the impenetrable sense of loneliness you feel despite being surrounded by friends and loving family, write in to me here at the Night Vale Radio Station. I’ll be waiting. 

In the meantime, stay tuned for the sound of one hand clapping.


End file.
